I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
