So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
