Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
