I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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