This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
