those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
