Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
oh god the rape fog is back!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
