Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
