Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
