are you still at the devil's house?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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