My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
