I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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