Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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