I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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