Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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