that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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