My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
