$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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