Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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