Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
