I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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