He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
