my phone needs a breathalizer
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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