When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
