I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
