a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i think my cat just said my name.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
