i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
