I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
