I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
