Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
