just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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