You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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