If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
