she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
