no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
