Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
