then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
