the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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