ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
