Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
