grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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