How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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