last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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