Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
