I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
