I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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