at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
