Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
