oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
