He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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